Airport Security Explained (sort of…)

As reported in the current issue of “Private Eye“, the British satirical magazine, there is a rather interesting clarification on post-9/11 airport security procedures, coming from New Zealand:

My brother-in-law went through security at Auckland domestic airport and witnessed a passenger having to fish out her nail scissors from her handbag and leave them behind. He went through security and then boarded his plane. After being seated he could smell petrol. He knew you shouldn’t be able to smell petrol on a plane, because planes don’t use petrol. The smell got worse and eventually he got the attention of one of the flight attendants. They started to look around to see where it was coming from. They found in the overhead compartment a chainsaw in a bag that was leaking petrol into the compartment. His plane was delayed as the owner was identified and the chainsaw removed and put with the main luggage. The owner of the chainsaw said security had stopped him but had let him through because it wasn’t one of the things on their list to confiscate.

Well, that’s good news for Klingons at least…no need to leave their Bat’leth at home any longer!

Obama’s True “Dream Ticket”

How can Barack Obama win back the core Hillary Clinton voters, namely hispanics, women and “white men without a college education”?

It’s easy, because the question contains its own answer: just select as candidate VP a hispanic woman able to elicit interest among white men of whatever schooling.

If Obama wants a “Dream Ticket”, his dilemma is therefore quite simple…

…Salma Hayek, or Eva Longoria?

Weather Men Get the Better of Naughty Girl

Peculiar story from Dr Joe Sobel’s US Weather blog at Accuweather:

The AccuWeather Forensic Team has worked on thousands of very interesting cases over the years. Most of them involve slip and falls, automobile, marine or aviation accidents and damage to buildings caused by wind, rain or snow, but every now and then a unique and different case comes along. One such case awhile back involved a divorce dispute.

What, you ask, could weather have to do with a divorce? Well in this case our couple was obviously not getting along very well and one night, after a prolonged argument, the wife threw the husband out of the house. Not only did she throw him out of the house, but she also took all of his stuff … electronics, clothing, correspondence, etc and piled it up in the backyard. That night it allegedly rained and all of the stuff outside was ruined, amounting to tens of thousands of dollars of damage. The husband’s attorney smelled a rat and called the AccuWeather Forensic Team and asked us to determine how much it really rained that night. Well, we gathered all of the weather observations from all of the surrounding weather stations and we also looked at Doppler radar and highly detailed lightning strike data to fill in the holes between the weather stations. We needed to do that to make sure we wouldn’t miss an isolated thunderstorm that might not have shown up at the weather observation stations. As it turned out … it didn’t rain a drop at the site in question that night and the wife had quite literally “hosed” her husband. She took the garden hose and thoroughly soaked all of his stuff!!! Our report went a long way to helping the husband receive a favorable judgement in this case.

Is your SUV Destroying the Universe?

Is your SUV destroying the Universe?

Supernovae data from the 1950’s to 2007 show trends very worrying for the fate of the whole cosmos.

The Magnitude (brightness) of observed explosions, after hovering for several decades around the 20 mark, has recently dropped to 15 (i.e. towards brighter supernovae).

Furthermore, the number of observed supernovae has been increasing at an exponential rate, again after many decades below 50 per year, to 95 in 1996 and a little less than 600 in 2007.

The fact that this is happening exactly as anthropogenic greenhouse-gases emissions are on the increase, cannot be just a coincidence. If this will not convince Governments about the importance of stopping CO2 emissions, nothing will!

UK: 42-day Terror Limit Explained

London, 6 December (MNN) - Uninformed sources far from the British Home Secretary have finally explained why Jacqui Smith is going to recommend to Parliament to give the Police 42 days to hold terror suspects without charge.

“The number is magic“, our informant explained. “Apart from the Douglas Adams connection, it is the number of seconds the Prime Minister dedicated to the well-being of the electors during the whole of last month. It is the number of privacy-data-containing disks actually lost by HMRC. It is the number of sleaze scandals left to discover in the life of this Government“.

In unrelated news: new analysis have confirmed that the average IQ of a Labour Government Minister is in the region of 42.

Also, the Tories have stated their “terror limit” is 28, whilst the LibDems are still debating, all meeting in the back of the usual cab.

Temptation for Kinky Dentists

“in case anyone thinks the robot is too real, it also has a sensor on the breast area that keeps track if it has been touched inappropriately, an engineer said.“

Masqued Finland Resident Arrested in HMRC Privacy Fiasco

London, 25 November (MNN) - The Metropolitan Police has announced today the arrest of a notorious character living in Finland for the recent disappearance of two discs containing the details of 25 million United Kingdom residents.

The elderly looking man, of whom only the first name is known (”Claus“), has been implicated by his interest in the personal behaviour and whereabouts of children all around the Kingdom.

The initial alibi (Mr Claus says he has “a big job to do in exactly a month’s time“) has been dismissed as “feeble and unproven to say the least“.

An assistant constable has further declared: “When I have been a naughty boy in my youth, this dodgy bearded guy gave me no presents at Christmas. It’s only just for me to take revenge upon him with all sorts of made-up accusations“.

ps In unrelated news, police have revealed Claus’s nickname among low-lifers such as helpers and elves to be “Santa“.

Men Like It Bigger + Sarkozy of Id

Newly-published research on Science magazine is said to show that men prefer to have a bigger bulge in the pocket than anybody else

====

Are French President Nicholas Sarkozy and the slightly taller King from The Wizard of Id comic strip related?

King with flag        Sarkozy with friar

I think we should be told

Top 10 Positive Things About England and Euro 2008

From the most likely to the least likely…

1- Hosts Switzerland and Austria have no chance of winning

2- HM Revenue & Customs won’t be able to lose the details of the 25 England players selected for the tournament

3- Relief for the New York soccer fans as top star will be available

4- Fewer chances for the Government to bury bad news

5- A good English goalie will finally be discovered, perhaps in Third Division

6- Free-to-air matches as no broadcaster will compete to buy them

7- Opportunity for an England-Scotland friendly in early June

8- Beckham’s haircut won’t be considered relevant to a football tournament

9- Due to lack of WAG pictures, plenty of newspaper surface available for serious discussions

10- European friendship ties strengthened with English supporters cheering for France, Germany or Italy

======

ADDENDUM: Support Line for Beleaguered English Fans

Call 688 63 3876 08 for help in these difficult times.

You will be presented with a selection of teams to cheer for in June 2008:

Press (1) for France
Press (2) for Germany
Press (3) for Italy
Press (4) for Croatia
Press (5) for Russia
Press (6) for Turkey
Press (7) for Argentina if you’re really that desperate
Press (0) for Scotland. Or Ireland. Or Wales. Or Belgium

Ptolemy’s Revenge

2154 years after being written, and 464 years after being rendered obsolete by Copernicus, the Ptolemaic System is coming back with a vengeance, masquerading as Garrett Lisi’s Theory of Everything

The Ascent of Al Gore

1969 – Bachelor of Arts (Harvard)

1976 – House of Representatives

1984 – Senator

1988 – Joins the Presidential race

1992 – Vice-President

2000 – Most-voted Candidate

2007 – Oscar

2007 – Emmy

2007 – Nobel Peace Prize

2009 – Lifetime UN Secretary General

2010 – Lifetime Chairman of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee

2012 – Lifetime Pope (well, it comes with the job)

2013 – Grand Ayatollah Supreme Leader (idem)

2014 – Joint Chief Rabbi, Sikh Guru, Buddha’s Reincarnation, etc etc

2015 – Replaces Charles III as King of the United Kingdom

2015 – Chooses title of “Defenders of the Faiths and Unfaiths” (that’s Political Correctness for you)

2020 - Becomes Alus Gorus “Caesar” Augustus, Planet Emperor

2021 – Acclaimed Divus in world-wide plebiscite

2021 – Commands Climate not to change. Climate complies (it would not have changed anyway, but that’s a secret…ssshhh!!)

2021 - Temples in his name start to spruce around

2022 – Convenes US Supreme Court, gets reversal of 2000 decision

2100 – Shortly before his death^H^H^Hascent to Heaven, forgets to command Earth to stop earthquakes (alas!)

BBC to Cut 10% of the Newsroom

London, 19 Oct (MNN) – BBC News w ll be cut y 10%, Directo General Ma k Thompson nnounced.

“W do not beli ve there wi l be much of change for ur users”, Mr hompson ad ed.

“After al it is a mino ity amount nd 90% will s ill be ther after the cu s”. Asked if f rther redu tions will e done in the uture, Mr Th mpson appe red tentat ve. “Well, we h ve done sev ral experi ents about hat, but res lts are not lear”. “I s pp se t i po si le o c t a mu h a 33%”, e co cl de , “b t r m 50% o w r s t e l y e o e c u t r r d c i e”

Lib-Dems Vote to Depopulate Scotland

Brighton, 18 Sep (MNN) - At their annual conference in Brighton, the Lib-Dems have decided to back a radical series of proposals to tackle climate change - including a ban on people living in Scotland by 2040.

Environment spokesman Chris Huhne said tackling global warming would need an “enormous economic change”.

As simply too many people stubbornly keep their abodes in the damp, cold northern regions of the British Isles, generating humongous amounts of carbon dioxide just to heat their houses up, the only solution is to get everybody over to the warmer side of Hadrian’s Wall.

“Climate Change is a threat to democracy”, Lib-Dem delegates have been told, “and tough sacrifices are in order to save our planet.”

In other news: Lib-Dems are going to vote on a proposal to mandate nomadism by 2047.

This will allow everybody to move (on foot!) from one day to the next to find the warmest place where to mount their tent, without having to burn any greenhouse-gas-emitting fuel.

Time To Go For This Poor Guy

This is a real adieu/resignation letter, written by a guy for whom investment banking may not have been the best career choice…

It is quite entertaining, although I find the final, desperate call to Upper Management a touch too naive to be serious and/or credible

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful XXX: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “meets expectation.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks YYY!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To ZZZ, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about XXY were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To XXZ whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To XYX, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets.

To XYY (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch XXZ and I learned all too much from it. I still can’t believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

YYY (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I’m happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company’s rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, ZZZ and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behaviour, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it’s a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us “faceless little people” more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient (”because it’s good for the company”) in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don’t bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!

Recover from Live Earth - Join Apocaholics Anonymous

Apocaholics Anonymous

(April 20, 2007) Hi, I’m Gary and I’m a recovering Apocaholic. I am currently Apocalypse free for nearly 18 years. I left the church of the Religious Apocalypse in 1976, over 30 years ago, and I resigned from the secular church of the Financial Apocalypse in 1989. Yes, I still feel the urge to proclaim the end of all things, from time to time, but I white-knuckle my way to a history book for a little perspective, and then I breathe easier. If you wish to join AA, the only requirement is that you give up the adrenaline rush of media-fed fantasies.

Since I spoke to you last on this subject, in 1994, we have survived “Bankruptcy 1995” (the original epidemic of Hockey Stock charts), the Big Bang in Hong Kong, years of Y2K scare stories, a SARS epidemic, Mad Cow disease, Bird Flu, a real threat on 9/11, Triple Deficits (Budget, Trade and Balance of Payments), wars in Serbia/Kosovo, Iraq and Afghanistan, Deflation in 2003, Inflation since then, The Perfect Storms of 2005 (Katrina, Rita and Wilma, the 3 Witches of the Bermuda Triangle), and today’s reigning fears of Global Warming, $200 Oil and the Sub-prime Housing Loan Crisis Implosion [...]

Diary Entries Through The Ages

Main Diary Entries according to one’s age

0-2: Milk
4-12: Games
13-18: Sports
19-30: Girls (or Boys)
30-40: Depressive after-work meetings with co-workers
40-50: School and doctor appointments
50-60: Pension advisers. More doctor appointments
60-70: Boules (or Poker). Even more doctor appointments
70-100: Friends’ funerals in-between doctor appointments
100- : Doctors’ funerals

Save the Planet, Freeze Hell Over!

Dear Friends and Colleagues

With carbon dioxide levels shooting up to unprecedented levels, it is high time we group together for a concerted action against the huge amounts of climate-change-inducing emissions…from fires in Hell.

Known GHG polluter, local manager and evildoer Mr. Lucipher can indeed be stopped…all we have to do is abolish taxes, defeat prostitution or whatever else will make the place of eternal damnation turn into a glacial wasteland!

Consistently Sinning

VATICAN CITY, MARCH 9, 2007 (Zenit.org).- Hypocrisy is not only the sin God denounces most forcefully, it is also the least admitted, according to the preacher of the Pontifical Household.

Secret Jargon of Software Testing

Malfunctional Testing: when the application makes sure you can’t see a single part of it behaving as expected

User Refusal Testing: the unmissable bursts of anger by users irked by approaching deadlines and receding functionalities

Disintegration Testing: getting ready to the sad truth that the arrival of a new application will destroy anything that had been working beforehand

Quality Lack-of Testing: making sure no part of the software package is fit for human interaction

Undress Rehearsal: planning to revert to a previous, working version of the software as the new one will invariably fail the call of duty

Dress Rehassle: more bursts of anger by users duped into weekend work despite knowing that nothing will perform

Digression Testing: the time passed in vague chit-chatting whilst awaiting confirmation that the application really, definitely does not work

Data Emigration: packing up all attempts at installing a new software package, in order to concentrate to a different pipedream application

And finally…

Hindrance Desk: the group of people whose main aim is to make you listen to muzak on the phone before providing misleading information

===========

And here’s more: Loser Acceptance Testing, Test Mythodology, Dysfunctional Testing, Capability Maturity Muddle, Test Automation, Risk-based Testing, Black Box Testing, Fragile Development, Delusability Study, Fenestration Testing, Hard Disk Figmentation, all by Steve Green.

(originally posted on 12 April 2005)

Brickspotting: Pastime of the Modern British Commuter

Let me introduce you all to the wonderful world of Brickspotting, the Pastime of the Modern British Commuter

“Brickspotting“, as the name implies, is the collection, cataloguing and exchange of information about those little red bricks that are aligned in the thousands next to many train lines in the United Kingdom.

Rows upon rows of them run for kilometers, at times in 30-foot walls of what was perhaps meant to be blurred red spots to glimpse through the windows of fast-running trains.

Nowadays however, thanks to the wonders of Commuting Technology there are plenty of occasions for those same trains to behave as if “fast” and “running” were foreign words unworthy of a British track.

Left in the middle of nowhere, wondering if the driver has gone completely ga-ga (as understood from the gurgled sounds coming out of the train’s PA system), hundreds of commuters have now discovered that those anonymous bricks can indeed have an individual soul.

There, one that is chipped to its left. There, another one’s got a black spot in its centre. Look, there is a brick that has been painted white and blue, part of a large graffiti!

Beginner Brickspotters start by marking the position of each Individual Brick on the wall. It takes just a minimal of patience at the start. No need to hurry: the train will dutifully stop again in the same area several times during the coming week.

Experienced Brickspotters are immediately recognised as they spend the long minutes/hours in the stopped train by drawing a detailed schema of their preferred wall.

Advanced Brickspotters are known to be equipped with maps with the location of the most peculiar Individual Bricks. They can be seen and heard at times exchanging information with other brickeratis.

With the advent of Brickspotting, collective groans are cried no more when commuters are hopelessly left at a standstill, replaced (the groans, not the commuters) by wild cheers of joy when enthusiastic Brickspotters finally see the elusive Orange Brick of Mile 117.5, conscious (the brickspotters, not the Orange Brick) of envious like-minded people imprisoned in the (rarer and rarer) fast trains.

Some very lucky people even get the opportunity of a close encounter of the n-th kind with their number one Individual Brick, as I did six years ago.

Joy and contentment will follow, for decades to come…